Gregory: Yes, it’s supposed to be tongue-in-cheek. Not really a quiz which is meant to be taken, as much as a farcical way for me to try to work out some mighty odd ideas about God which I’ve encountered in some people. The answer to #5 is definitely A. You make a good point on #4. “Belief” in Abraham’s sense was really a mixture of “belief plus trust”, as opposed to the demons who “believe”. Actually, the demons probably “believe IN”, where Abraham simply “BELIEVED”. So many Christians will say they “believe IN God, or Jesus”. They ought to be simply saying “I BELIEVE HIM” when he talks to me- through the Holy Spirit via the bible and prayer. “Beliving IN” opens a whole can of worms- “what does it mean to believe IN? la la la ti da. Nope—just BELIEVE HIM. Hear, obey. No questions asked. On #7- C is the answer, of course. But today’s “Christian”, who is in almost every way indistinguishable from the world, would probably say “just don’t question anyone else’s beliefs, because nobody’s belief is any better than another”. Pah.

Of course, the “rightest” set of answers is the last one—the set most likely to confound and puzzle the world at large, and provoke them to charge us, as Nero did, with “hatred of humanity”.

Mike nailed your ethical conundrum I think. I was about to pick up the old lady. The concept of “woman of my dreams” was so alien to me that it didn’t even register, since my wife is the most perfect woman on the planet. However, a nubile Satan’s spawn would be interesting…

Michael S: Perfect. I think this is what “circumcised heart” means- that the new birth only takes place in those who God has brought to a sense of utter ruin and helplessness. The more “pop” Christianity I see- “Christ will make your life better”- the less I blame such phenomena as “postconservatism”, openness theology, etc. on the ones who are openly espousing it, and the more I realize it’s our fault as a church. The church’s most liberal enemies are simply using what we say- our own hollow promises, our own false hopes. The person who most wants the world to NOT believe in Hell is the devil.

Spencer: I said it was offensive. if I have to see or experience one more vol moron I will commit a mortal sin. You see, I have a built in hate for the vols. As a former Carson-Newman Football Player, I have to hate them. We won 5 National titles in the 80’s, what did we get out of it, a by-line in the Knoxville News Sentinel…so, I hope that your daughter doesn’t find Mr. Jackson with Check book in hand.

Big Rocks Hitting the Earth: Immanual Velikovsky was a Russian-born Jewish philologist who was interested in discovering why ancient peoples around the world shared common “global cataclysm” myths. He started digging and came up with a doozy of an explanation. I won’t ruin the fun for you, I’ll just recommend you find his books Worlds in Collision, Ages in Chaos and Earth in Upheaval. I like Velikovsky not only for his extremely lucid and well-supported theories, but also for the fact that he pissed off the establishment so bad that they banned his books.

And why were they pissed off? Because he had the gall to not be a scientist and come up with theories that not only contradicted theirs but were better supported by the evidence. His name is now anathema amongst “serious” scientists. Highly, highly, highly recommended reading, in spite of the fact that his writing style is extremely dry and academic. If you are interested in cosmology, geology, origins science, or even why the number 13 is considered bad luck, you owe it to yourself to find Velikovsky and read him.

I have all three books and – No – I won’t share.

Here is a SERIOUS question for someone to try some real theologizing. Science says that the earth has been devasted numerous times by asteroid hits. I believe it. My friends who do not beleive in an old earth obviously don’t accept this, since there isn’t adequate recovery time from such an event as the one described in this article. Since such events clearly can happen because of what we observe in near-space, how do these catastrophes fit into a Christian view of the universe? And how do you young earth guys work with these claims?

Wow am I disappointed. Breasteny Spears is no longer a role model. I wonder if the Christian clones will now be obligated to drink, party and have sex? Or at least talk like they are.

Looks like a few hundred thousand angry Catholics and a pissed off FCC was enough to get Opie and Anthony fired. The “sex in church” bit (which we have recreated a number of times around here, just never on live radio) didn’t exactly get the ratings O&A wanted. Sorry boys. I am sure you will get a better job with more $$$, but for the moment, good old Victorian Puritan Prudishness has its day!

My son is away on his first varsity soccer game tonight. That is Spencer family history. I am worried as I can be about an injury, but you have to get in the game first, which freshmen seldom do. But I am afraid our coach will put everyone in to get their first licks and that will be a new experience. Then its late night homework. All new around here but I am glad Clay is getting the experience. He is excited.

I did something kind of unusual today. Our seniors read Edward’s “Sinners in the hands of an Angry God” for English IV and I used that as a takeoff for a sermon on the real point of salvation- not going to hell. One of my points was to say that if a preacher appeals to you to become a Christian on the basis of what Christ will do for your life now- make you happy, improve your family, take away your lonliness, hurts, wounds, give you meaning and purpose, etc- DON’T TAKE THEM UP ON IT. (I was actually using an illustration about not buying cures for baldness, but that is another story.) Anyway, the point was: If you don’t think you are guilty, condemned and going to hell, DON’T Accept Jesus. Jesus is a savior for people ready to live a life that says “I was rescued from going to hell. Jesus went there for me. I am going to show him and the world I appreciate it.” Whaddya think?

I am just tired of “evangelism” being an appeal to having a better life. I agree with Newsweek that more than half of preachers never mention hell, and I have heard that half in my chapel. Their appeal is a lot of amorphous God-will-be-with-you stuff. Everything will be better. You won’t be so miserable. Your hurts and wounds will be healed. ANd so on. The Gospel promise is salvation and forgiveness. The other stuff is sanctification and glorification. Promising all that at the outset is…well…..somewhere close to a lie. Wish you’d all been there so I could have had some weeping aisle walkers.

Bart:That Tennessee joke is not funny. May Michael Jackson make your wife an offer she can’t refuse.

I hope y’all enjoy this as much as I did. I love stuff like this.

Hate to be untimely, but here’s an article appropos to one of our “discussions” last month.

Good grief. Guess where this guy went to school, Michael.

Wasn’t that Carville in the movie with the potted meat and the biscuits with mustard… mm hmm…

What does Michael Jackson say or do to get a woman to bear his child? Pose as an alien in a “Close Encounter”.

Greg B: Sounds like you’ve got a good pastor, there.

Bart: I did notice that God didn’t mention North Carolina. Perhaps it’s for the best.

Now this is offensive.

Tennessee

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was
missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the
archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He
inquired of God. “Where have you been?”


God signed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly
pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael,
look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,
“What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God,
“and I’ve put Life on it.
I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a
great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
“For example, northern Europe will be a place of great
opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going
to be poor.”

“Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people
and over there is a continent of black people,” God
continued pointing to different countries. “This one
will be extremely hot and while this one will be very
cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed
to a land mass and said, “What’s that one?”


“Ah,” said God. “That’s TENNESSEE, the most glorious place
on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams,
hills, and forests. The people from TENNESSEE are going to
be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they
are going to be found traveling the world. They will
be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving,
and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of football.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then
proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there
would be balance!!!”

God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the idiots I’m
surrounding them with in Kentucky, Alabama, Georgia, Arkansas, and
Mississippi.”

Just so you know, the church doesn’t get the choice to “accept God as it’s Lord”. It meerly gets to fall in line with the Gospel or die off.

Mike: That’s a great answer. I was thinking, just run over the friend and the old lady, while spinning out with the girl of my dreams (who enjoys it, as she is Satan’s spawn for which I leave my wife and children). My friend and the old lady are saved anyway, so I am off the hook in God’s eyes, and I have a hell of a time (pun intended). Of course, I did not get the job, so I guess you have the right answer.

Jack: I love a few things our new pastor said (paraphrased, most likely badly):

• The church should be an organism, not an organization. He was talking about the church as the body of Christ.
  
• I use this book (bible) as my guidebook, so I am going to use this. I apologize, up front, if I illuminate something that you are uncomfortable with. If you have a problem with this book, however, you will have to take it up with God.
  
• I do not believe in using human means to grow a church (I have a feeling our minister of education and administration may be leaving soon). When the church accepts God as its Lord, it will prosper; when it does not, no matter how many members it has, it will fail.
  

To a certain extent, this falls in line with your statement about the church no longer preaching the gospel. I pray that this new pastor follows through with putting God first, getting people to pray and does not water down the message. If so, our church body will be a body focused on Christ and not on how to save our financial situation, make the perfect service, et al.

Judson: While you obviously meant this tongue in cheek (at least I hope this was the case).

I believe 5 should be a) circumcised only in the flesh, rather than b) not spiritual enough, per Jeremiah 9:25 “The days are coming,” declares the Lord , “when I will punish all who are circumcised only in the flesh …

I also believe faith is a better word in number 4. While Paul does use the word belief, he also uses faith later in Romans 4. Faith and belief are different, for even the demons believe that there is one God (James 2:19).

Interestingly enough, in Numbers, once Hoshea was renamed Joshua (Yeshua in Hebrew), we find the name translated as glory to God. Thus, Jesus means God saves or glory to God (via interpolation, of course).

Number 7: If a person stated, “my belief is all good Christians love every person they can in a sexual manner, for that is what Jesus meant when he said love your neighbor,” should you never question their belief? Or, if one was openly killing his brother with a baseball bat, should you not question his behavior?

Ultimately, each series of answers lead to a problem, IMHO.

I’d get out of the car and hang out with the woman of my dreams, and let my old friend use the car to take the old lady to the hospital.

GB: none of em…what the hell are they doing out on a wild and stormy night. Didn’t you see psycho? Good God man!
Michael: Carville needs to play the voice of the erect penis in the little mermaid. It’s in the scene where Ariel and dork boy are getting married, it’s the preacher that has the stiffie; or Foghorn Leghorn, Boy! I say Boy! This is like baseball, boy. I keep a pitchin’ em and you keep a missin’ em.

If you have already seen this, please don’t ruin it for everyone else:

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life.


3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

What does Michael Jackson say to the woman to get her to bear his child?

“Here’s a million dollars and a small test tube. Take these to your OB/GYN”.

SPIRITUAL INTELLIGENCE QUIZ

1. Jesus means

a: love
b: freedom
c: acceptance
d: God saves

2. Jesus claimed that his chief purpose on earth was

a: to cure illnesses
b: to fight corruption
c: to forgive sinners
d: to free the conscience

3. Circumcision was

a: a bedouin superstition which clearly demonstrated the Jew’s disgust for the marriage act
b: a Mosaic law
c: a sign of God’s covenant with Abraham
d: punishable by death, if not kept, according to God

4. God credited Abraham with righteousness because Abraham

a: grimly carried out God’s commands
b: was naturally gentle and kind
c: believed him
d: never made religous mistakes

5. God said “The days are coming when I will punish all who are”

a: circumcised only in the flesh
b: not spiritual enough
c: vexed and disgusted by sin in themselves and in others
d: not saved

6. Some men came down from Judea to Antioch and were teaching the brothers: “Unless you are circumcised, according to the custom taught by Moses, you cannot be saved.” Paul and Barnabas knew they were wrong because

a: they had a special revelation from God which showed them the unfairness of this teaching
b: they had special knowledge that enabled them to know when it was okay to disobey God
c: they were naturally tolerant and accepting, and therefore innately better people than the legalists were
d: they had an grammar-schooler’s understanding of the old testament

7. Circumcision of the heart means

a: knowing that bodily markings or party affiliations does not make one righteous
b: a special gift for showing concern and affection
c: beating one’s breast and saying “God forgive me, a sinner”
d: that anyone can be good, as long as they never question another’s beliefs or behavior

8. “Doctrine” and “Dogma” mean, respectively,

a: anything which makes people feel bad about themselves; vehement religious-sounding talk
b: something which is taught; something held as an established position
c: that which truly free spirits never try to force on others; irrationally exclusive-sounding talk
d: stupid men trying to put a box around each other; stupid men trying to put a box around God

9. People who use the bible in order to justify mental or physical abuse are

a: uncircumcised in their hearts
b: sons of hell
c: fundamentalists
d: evangelicals

10. The church is

a: those who, by a special act of believing, have distinguished themselves from the rest of humanity
b: all of humanity
c: a group of sinners who individually trust in Christ alone for salvation
d: a collection of hypocrites

---

DING DING!

If you answered
1a—2d—3a—4a—5b—6a—7d—8d—9d—10b

Your spiritual intelligence approaches genius level. You have “true knowledge” which sets you apart and higher than the mere “orthodox”. You are probably as smart as Phil Donahue, but not as charming. Have you ever considered being a postconservative bible scholar?

---

NOT BAD

If you answered
1c—2b—3b—4b—5d—6c—7b—8c—9c—10a

You are fairly spiritually intelligent. You might be slightly sinful, but since you are well-educated, occasionally help out at the Salvation Army, and pretty much love people, you’re pretty good. Congratulations!

---

TRY AGAIN!

If you answered
1d—2c—3c—4c—5a—6d—7c—8b—9a—10c

You have much to learn. You obviously aren’t up with current spiritual trends. You probably read nothing but old books, dictionaries, and encyclopedias, and you are obviously hateful and intolerant of others. I am certain you don’t do nice things for people.You need to work on your self-esteem. You probably think you are a sinner and you deserve hell. Poor ignorant soul (pat pat).

Fox News is reporting that Michael Jackson is toting around a 6 month old baby, named Prince Michael II, and saying it is his third child. The mom is unknown. (Smart lady). So, here is the question: What does Michael Jackson say or do to get a woman to bear his child?

BTW, what Carville is most suited for could only appear in an animated porn movie, but believe me, he is the man for the job.

I got a request from one of you to recommend some good books. Here goes with just some of the latest. As far as I know, most will either be available from Discerning Reader or Cumberland Valley Bible Book Service.

The Doctrine of God (Presby and Reformed) by John Frame. A big bear of a book on a heavy topic, but Frame is very readable, a great teacher and the investment will prove to be a rich feast. Frame deals with most of the current challenges to the Biblical doctrine of God.
The Puritan Papers series (Vols 1,2,3) (Presby & Reformed), edited by J.I. Packer. These are papers given at the Martyn Lloyd Jones Puritan Conference from the mid fifties thru the mid sixties. Papers on many topics related to the Puritans. Well worth being in print again. Everything from biography, to devotional material to doctrinal studies.
Richard Sibbes by Mark Dever (Mercer). Mark is a wonderful pastor and preacher. This is his dissertation on one of the most helpful of the Puritans. Very readable and profitable study of perhaps the best of the Puritan pastors.
The Message of the Psalms (Vols 1&2) by Michael Wilcock in the IVP Bible Speaks Today Series. These are relatively new and contain short, to the point very helpful studies of each of the Psalms. I discovered Wilcock years ago with his unbeatable book on Revelation that is also part of BST. He is always brief, but excellent. Great guide for Bible study of the Psalms or Revelation. (May be a CBD order.)
Be Delivered by Warren Wiersbe. (Chariot Victor/Cook)This is the “Be” series volume on Exodus, which I am reading in prep for teaching Exodus for the rest of the school year starting in a few weeks. Wiersbe is a wonderful model of simplicity and preachability. If I have to recommend a popular evangelical to someone who will run at the first whiff of the Reformation, I never go wrong with this. Any teacher or preacher will profit from the whole series.
God’s Passion for His Glory by John Piper. (Crossway) Many of you may have overlooked this book because you knew it was an edition of a Jonathan Edwards piece with just an intro and footnotes by JP. IMO, this may be the single best 100 pages of Piper you could read. He distills Edwards in classic Piperisms and really hits the nail on the head in every chapter. Add this to your collection. Also the Biography series, which now has a third volume. These are talks JP gives at his pastor’s conference and they are very enjoyable. We all need to be reading more biography.
As for the Puritans, I can always recommend A Body of Divinity (BOT) by Thomas Watson as the single best Puritan volume. Also Sibbes little book, A Bruised Reed (BOT) is a classic of encourgement to struggling believers.
One last one. People now associate Eugene Petersen with The Message so much that they forget he is one of the finest spiritual and Biblical writers of his generation. A Long Obedience in the Same Direction (IVP) is wonderful. Also Five Smooth Stones, To Leap Over a Wall (Life of David) and his book on Jonah (title escapes me.) Subversive Spirituality is a good excursion into his work.

Just a few ideas from my current reading.

I don’t know about voices, but Carville looks like he could play the growed-up version of the inbred banjo player in “Disney presents, Deliverance Part Deux.”

Carville? Who else? The python in The Jungle Book. It wouldn’t even have to be a cartoon. He looks the part!

Dang right.

Ronald C: I don’t mean to nitpick, but I think you are wrong about why we have become so shallow. When my children ask why our culture is so screwed up, I tell them this:

Because the church has quit preaching the gospel.

That failure is illustrated in the fact that evangelicals blame culture for being corrupt. News Flash – the culture is corrupt because people are enslaved to corruption. The gospel alone has the power to free us from corruption. No preaching of the gospel, no freedom from corruption.

Having said that, I am deeply aware of the power of sin in my own life, and I hate it. I have to daily preach the gospel to myself:

Oh wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God – through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

Truth is stranger than…. Drudge is reporting that James Carville has been offered a cartoon voice job by Disney. Would anyone like to suggest what the Carville character might be?

PS – As many in Georgia are no doubt saying, “Ding dong the witch is dead!!”

To paraphrase from the movie Billy Madison, at no point during the Donahue show did Rabbi Boteach come anywhere near a rational and logical answer. We are all dumber for having read his statements and may God have mercy on him. I wanna puke. This is what post-modern liberalism has come to: name calling and sentences, I can’t even give them the respect of being called arguments, which have absolutely no logic to them whatsoever.

Jack: I share with you the same experience of being drawn to the spirituality of the reformers. I have literally starved to death among the evangelical Baptistic religion of my surrounding culture. When I first sat under the preaching of a man steeped in the Puritan model, I was totally blown away. What was that? Where did it come from? I listened to hours and hours of Al Martin, and other Puritan type preachers. Half my library now is dead guys, and guys “as good as dead” like Piper. Just keep at it.

One of the things that amazes me is the number of preachers who read NOTHING but ministerial trivia and junkfood. Our illustrious Baptist State paper used to publish a “Must Read” list for pastors and it was 100% junk food. Church growth. How to’s. Denominational promos. Nothing even as deep as EG. I just could never believe that people who recommended that stuff realized what the library of a man like Spurgeon contained or what the Puritan pastors produced? We are shallow and irrelevent because we apparently want to be shallow and irrelevent. One of my seminary designated mentors used to brag that he hadn’t read a book since seminary of ANY kind and I could easily believe it. In this kind of pastoral ministry, the rest of us are left to feed ourselves from the faithful labors of those who had the courage to go against the grain. Believe me, I feel the tension in my own ministry. The stories I could tell of the “great preachers” we’ve had marched through here that were dog and pony shows with no more understanding of the Gospel than a middle schooler.

Donahue gets pissed when a friend doesn’t take care of business.

Guys, I got this call….

Michael S: Thanks for the reference to Packer’s article on the Puritans. I heartily commend it to you tavern-mates.

I sit here at my desk, up to my earlobes in the day-to-day dreck of life, frustrated in my dreams at nearly every turn, wishing I was home and with my family, and then I read this line:

Spiritual warfare made the Puritans what they were. They accepted conflict as their calling, seeing themselves as their Lord’s soldier-pilgrims, just as in Bunyan’s allegory, and not expecting to be able to advance a single step without opposition of one sort or another. Wrote John Geree, in his tract ‘The Character of an Old English Puritane or Noncomformist (1646)’: ‘His whole life he accounted a warfare, wherein Christ was his captain, his arms, praiers and tears. The Crosse his Banner and his word [motto] Vincit qui patitur [he who suffers conquers].’

“He who suffers conquers.” I particularly like that.

I didn’t realise until I read his description that I am a “disaffected deviationist”, but he certainly pegged me. I guess that explains why I have been so eagerly consuming everything I can about the Reformation and the reformers. I have found there the antidote to the touchy-feely brain-dead reliogion I was raised with, and the blazing response to those who say that theology and passion are incompatible.

RonaldC: My reaction to Donahue exactly. He is so frantic, so caustic and so shallow that I do not understand why MSNBC thinks he can stay in the ring with O’Reilley and Connie Chung. Mohler is vilified by our state Baptist paper for being a (gasp) Calvinist, but these sorts of appearances are incredibly impressive to me. On issues like homosexuality and evangelism, other evangelical leaders duck and hide, but Mohler (and Franklin Graham so far) are out front in a winsome and appealing way. God bless them, and I know SBTS will gain strength as a result of this sort of stand. Where are other seminary presidents and professors?

What a shame. (yuk yuk) Rep. Cynthia Mckinney can spend all her terrorist dollars on herself now that she was bounced in the Democratic primary. And for dessert, Rep. Bob Barr, a conservative who is suing the Federal government for stress (??) is also out of work in favor of a conservative with less of a whining comples. Here’s to the voters!

I am reading a classic Puritan work on worship: Gospel Worship by Jeremiah Burroughs. This is one of the many wonderful reprints from Sola Deo Gloria, a publisher that reprints hundreds of works by the Puritans. These same books are available from Cumberland Valley Bible Book Service, the best bookstore on the web in my opinion at least. Really amazing service. Anyway, Burroughs presents a very readable and powerful case for the regulative principle, and in the context of the Puritan struggle and the current seeker driven fads, the importance of this approach to worship is very obvious. Many peiople testify that this book changed their entire approach to worship. In one of his best essays, J.I. Packer talked about why modern evangelicalism needs the Puritans. They are the mature Redwoods int he weedfield of evangelicalism. In my preacher’s workshop this year, I am going to talk about books and their influence on the preacher. The puritans cast a wonderful example for any Christian but especially for any preacher. Thorough, Biblical and warmly experiential. (Packer also has a great article on Puritan Evangelism that is worth reading.)

“In active obedience we worship God by doing what pleases God, but by passive obedience we do as well worship God by being pleased with what God does.”- Jeremiah Burroughs

I say “Thank the Lord for Good News” and I look forward to the next 20 years or so since the evangelicals are poised to outbreed the liberals. We should only have a problem like this for a couple more general conferences. When the delegates are almost all evangelical I look for the liberals to swindle a ton of cash away from the UMC and start their own sad denomination. It’s like popping a pimple. Sometimes it takes a few squeezes but eventually the infected mess is expunged.

Matthew- what think ye of this?

More SBC comments on Jewish evangelism. This BP article quotes from Jim Sibley, the coordinator of SBC efforts in Jewish Evangelism. Here is the heart of the article. It’s good stuff.

“When they (The RCC) used coercion, the Jewish people suffered horribly and were hardened against the good news of their messiah. Now, in singling out the Jewish people for evangelistic exemption, they are withholding the hope of Israel. There can be no more extreme form of anti-Semitism,” Sibley said, reminding of Jesus’ statement in Matthew 15:24 that he was sent “to the lost sheep of the house of Israel”...Citing Christian history, Sibley noted, “Originally, the only form of evangelism was Jewish evangelism. The audience on the day of Pentecost, Shavu’ot, was entirely Jewish, and the church was birthed in the courts of the temple in Jerusalem. To the religious leadership of the Jewish people, Peter declared in Acts 4:12, ‘There is salvation in no one else’—that is, Jesus—‘for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men, by which we must be saved.’” Just as Jews see themselves as a people under a divine covenant, Christians likewise understand themselves to be under the new covenant inaugurated by Jesus, Sibley said, and thus Christians have “the obligation of gospel witness. Asking Christians to abandon evangelism, even for a single ethnic group, is akin to asking Jews to eat ham and cheese sandwiches.

I hear that Al Mohler will be on DONAHUE tonight discussing Jewish evangelism. Years ago, I watched Donahue absolutely mangle some preachers on this topic. Mohler won’t back down for this bully. You guys that can watch should do so and give a report. Go Al!!

Angus (catching the boulder) answers, “Not today little girl.” ;-}

C’mere, Bart. Hold still… (picking up Angus’ boulder…) ...hold still… I got a… umph… big surprise for ya… umph… (tosses boulder)...

Scott this may be the conference for you!!!!! That’s a man baby Yeah!

That chick from the Wizard of Oz… oh, wait. I was supposed to keep that secret.

I think what is newsworthy about CNN’s newly purchased cache of Al-Queda home movies is just how much it shows the intelligence community ignored under Clinton’s people. I have to assume that everything here- the training, rhetoric, gas experiements, etc.- is all pretty much what we knew, yet we actually did virtually nothing to cuff these guys at the time. It seems that Americans increasingly have no real perception of what the world is like and it takes a 9/11 to get us to see that the Age of Aquarius is not quite here yet. The man on the street can think that way, but what are the people who are supposed to keep up with this thinking? Vacations and coffee breaks rather than acting in common sense defense of the country. You can sense with all the hand wringing about Iraq that a lot of people don’t want to deal with facts, only feelings. And if the terrorists nuked or gassed us, well THEN we’d be pissed off. Let’s just be pissed off NOW and take care of business.

Time does a piece on the bright future of Linux.

A carjacker picked a judo club as his victim. Hilarious video at the ABC news site. A big mistake, to say the least.

Trekkies and Elvis impersonators aren’t alone. Seems there are a lot of people in this world who like to dress up like characters and go to conventions to indulge their fantasies. So here is today’s question: What character or entertainer could inspire you to dress in custume and go to a fan convention?

Didn’t mean to fall off the face of the earth today, but today was the day we 1) gave standardized tests to the whole school 2) Stood in long lines and scheduled everybody 3) I started my second new adult Bible class. Tomorrow is day one of classes. I may get back to blogging in the morning or after school It all depends. BTW, there is a slight improvement in Chris Temple, after nearly dying over the weekend. He and his family still need our prayers. Like many small church pastors he has no health insurance.

Isn’t it amazing that Martha Stewart thinks she is so unimportant that her insider trading doesn’t matter and so important that the whole darned government is after her? Delusions of the deluded.

Prepare yourselves: My slightly edited article on The Runyan funeral has been published on another website: The Scholar’s Corner. Thanks to them for the exposure.

I think some kind of coup in Iraq is increasingly likely, though we may have to be actually in the invasion process before it happens.

I am really enjoying my Geneva Bible, though the tiny notes are killing my eyes!

Anyone seen and like Momento as much as we did? Wow a fine movie.

I am caught up in listening to Gene Scott on Shortwave when I go to sleep at night. What a character.

That darned right-wing conspiracy just won’t go away, will it, Martha? Good grief. And the dems don’t do anything of the sort, do they? They are above this kind of terrible behavior, aren’t they? Whiners. No one would care if you weren’t participating in insider trading. I like the fact that their focus isn’t on the fact that she did wrong but that the Republicans are after her. Idiot.

“If you cried during Old Yeller, then you’ll cry through this movie as well, cause like Old Yeller, Left Behind too needs to be put out of its misery.”

Lots of other caustic and funny writing at this site, too.

Ran across this pretty decent little website which I haven’t seen before. Not loads of writing but what’s there is well-done.

http://www.loxafamosity.com/index.html

Question 1
1) Euro Disney
2) Carrot Top
3) The Anna Nicole Show
4) A non-government-mandated sense of self-worth.

Question 2
1) Short fat English instructors.
2) Those married to short fat English instructors.
3) Anyone who ever saw a movie starring Keanu Reeves.

Question #1:

1) A collection of expired Taco Bell coupons.
2) McDonald’s Gift Certificates – great gifts anytime!
3) A Complimentary backrub from a 350-lb man named “Rollo the Gentle”.
4) Tickets to see “Barney’s Great Adventure 2: Gettin’ Ethnic”
5) A quarter. Now they can call someone who cares.

Question #2:

1) Rednecks… for 10 years of Jeff Foxworthy’s fury.
2) Anyone who saw “Titanic”.
3) All the people I’ve ever cooked for.

Greg B: Congrats! 3 Girls? Wow. You’re almost up to my in-laws.

Hello everyone! I am getting settled into my new digs as full-time teacher dude here in Central City USA. I still don’t have an office (I have to wait for someone who’s getting married in September to vacate), but I have a computer and a phone, etc, so it’s all cool. I need to finish up that IM article before I start having millions of papers to grade! I plan to work on that today.
I read today that Michael Moore has a new one coming out, so everyone can stop celebrating, oops, I mean fretting that he has quit making movies. This one’s called Bowling for Columbine and is about, according to Entertainment Weekly, “America’s obsession with guns.” Yipee. Where’s one when you need it? EW said Cannes film festival-goers stood up and cheered when it was over. Wow, what a surprise! Rich idiots who have nothing better to do than go to a film festival in France are vacuous liberals! Who’d of thunk it? I imagine the best part of the movie will be the part where Moore explains how the guns marched into the school and opened fire of their own volition. That ought to be interesting.

Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph! Nine pounds! Congrats Greg. (Way to go, Mrs. Greg.)

By the way…Congratulations to Greg Beamer. His wife just squeezed out a 9lb, 4oz, 20 inch long puppy. He now has three girls. Damn, I can only imagine how much wedding costs he’s going to incur.

1. I think we should give them the phillipines, Iraq, and Afganistan.
2. Saddam Hussein
3. Al Gore
4. a 50lb Boulder

---

1. People who have been threatened by me.
2. Anyone who knows my mother in law.
3. Anyone who’s had to look at Janet Reno for more than 10 seconds.

1: Puerto Rico
2: France (not technically “ours” to give, but who cares)

I would like to see us give them:
1. Yucca Mountain
2. North Dakota
3. A complementary coffee mug from NPR or PBS
4. A warm glass of “shut-the-hell-up”

Question #2
1. People who have been threatened by Angus
2. People who sweated to the oldies
3. People who actually saw that Rolling Stone with Gore on the cover. You know, THAT one…

All right all right. After listening to the reparations gang all weekend, what should we give them? Calypso Louie wants “millions of acres.” What would you like to see us give these people?

1. Gary, Indiana
2. Coupons
3. Free cable for 6 months
4. Magazine subscriptions
5. Dinner at Denny’s

`Every other group has been compensated for the wrongs done against them. Africans in America — we are the only ones who haven’t,’’ said Mungai, who heard about the rally on the radio and decided to join in.

Other overloked groups needing reparations:
1. Cajuns
2. Canadians eh
3. Cubs fans
4. The people who have to listen to my sermons
5. Moms
6. Anyone who rented “City of Angels”
7. Me. My black friends bummed so much money off me in junior high that- with interest- I figure we are up to about $128.
8. My wife.
9. All the people who gave money to Al Gore
10. Angry Drunken Dwarves

As I’ve said before, some stories are so predictable that the headlines just crack me up.

Best laugh lines from the story: “He blamed the disturbance on the combination of hot, humid weather and a large number of unsupervised youths.”

And of course…”The three-day festival, which continues Sunday, features events and presentations designed to focus positive attention on black families. There are booths with information about colleges, jobs, health and technology. A gospel concert and health screenings were scheduled for Sunday.”

Scientology: Teaching my cults and world religions unit each year, we’ve noted that Scientology is a cult that knows how to play off of the elitist mentality. This is a group that pretty much ignores the common man because…well, he can’t afford it. The escalating costs of each level of Scientology are beyond the average person. You have to be a doctor, lawyer, dentist, tech millionaire or airhead actor to afford it. Then, once you’ve been bilked, you have to have an ego that big to stay with it. I mean, the average Joe would say he’d been conned, flip them off and go on. But these actors can’t admit they were that stupid, so they stay with it. It becomes a big club of people who really believe their brains are superior to the rest of us. When I look at zombies like Travolta and Cruise I feel better about myself. These guys fall for the con of all cons, and they think they are smarter than me.

Regarding the gross-out youth games…another element to these things sometimes is embarrassing kids in front of their peers. I knew a serious Christian young man once who finally stopped going to his weekly youth group meeting because he said the games were too humiliating, and he didn’t see the humor in them. Wow.

How long has it been since I’ve been to a county fair? More of my memories are of Kentucky state fairs: the best corndogs in the world, rides on the midway, armadillo races, cows and sheep and (my personal favorite!) goats, and even watching border collies herd quacking ducks through an obstacle course. Great fun! Thanks, Ron, for bringing back the memories! :)

Hee hee- the Onion does it again.

“In more prudish times, sex was never discussed,” Snyder said. “But these days, teens are free to openly talk about sex. And their access to sexually suggestive or even explicit material is virtually limitless. So it’s odd that Zollner, given the amount of sex he sees on TV, in movies, and in magazines, still has somewhat warped views about it.”

County fairs rock!

Nicholas Cage was at his best in “Raising Arizona”. So were the Coen brothers. “Son, you got a panty on yo head.” Didn’t know he was a scientologist. What exactly attracts people to that? Must be the camp factor.1

Great article about gross-out games at youth groups, Michael.

Can’t believe the story about the rape victims. “Flabbergasted” might be the right word.

Rarely do I ever put an entire article on the blog. But this one is so timely- and so much out of my own life and experience- that I have to put it up and invite your comments, particularly on the last paragraph.

Stupid church tricks
CULTURE BEAT | Many church youth groups are teaching young people exactly what they don’t need to learn
By Gene Edward Veith

Four sets of parents are suing a church in Indiana for what happened at a New Year’s Eve lock-in. A youth leader chewed up a mixture of dog food, sardines, potted meat, sauerkraut, cottage cheese, and salsa, topped off with holiday eggnog. As if this spectacle were not disgusting enough (let the reader beware), he then spit out the mixture into a glass and encouraged the members of the youth group to drink it!

Some of those who did, of course, became sick, whereupon their parents sued the church. According to an Associated Press account, the youth pastor said that the “gross-out” game, called the Human Vegematic, was just for fun and that the church forced no one to participate. The lawsuit accused the adults in charge of pressuring 13- and 14-year-olds into activities that caused them physical and mental harm.

Such “gross-out” games have become a fad in youth ministry. Since adolescents are amused by bodily functions, crude behavior, and tastelessness—following the church-growth principle of giving people what they like as a way to entice them into the kingdom—many evangelical youth leaders think this is a way to reach young people.

The Source for Youth Ministry, a popular and widely used resource center, posts scores of games on its website, many of which were contributed by youth group leaders in the field.

There is Sanctuary Softball, which involves whacking a nerf ball in church, with home plate being the area of the altar, and running through the pews, as the fielders then try to hit the batter with the ball to make an out. Another fun activity is Seafood Catch, which involves putting minnows in the baptistry, then catching them by hand. (“Extra points for eating them after it is done.”)

Then there are games designed to appeal to adolescents’ hormones. These include kissing games like “Kiss the Wench.” “Leg Line Up” has girls feel boy’s legs to identify who is who. Some of them have odd homosexual subtexts, like “Pull Apart,” in which guys cling to each other, while girls try to pull them apart. Another has girls putting makeup on guys, leading to a drag beauty show. Then there is the embarrassingly Freudian “Baby Bottle Burp,” in which girls put a diaper (a towel) on a boy, then feed him a bottle of soda, and cradle him until he burps!

These are presented as just ordinary games, good ways to break the ice at youth group. But there is another category of “Sick and Twisted Games.” Many of these involve eating and drinking gross things, like at the Indiana church. (“Toothbrush Buffet” has youth group leaders brushing their teeth and spitting into a cup. Each then passes it along to the next in line, who uses what is in the cup to brush his teeth. The last one drinks down everyone’s spit.) Others are scatological, and are too repellent to describe.

What do teenagers learn from these youth group activities? Nothing of the Bible. Nothing of theology. Nothing of the cost of discipleship. But they do learn some lessons that they can carry with them the rest of their lives:

ฅ Lose your inhibitions. Young people usually have inhibitions against doing anything too embarrassing or shameful. These exercises are designed to free people from such hangups. For some reason, post-Freudian psychologists—whose “sensitivity groups” are the model for these kinds of exercises—maintain that such inhibitions are bad. Christians, though, have always insisted that we need to feel inhibited about indulging in things for which we should feel ashamed. This is part of what we mean by developing a conscience.

Though being “gross” may not be sinful in itself, overcoming natural revulsions can only train a child to become uninhibited about more important things.

ฅ Give in to peer pressure. Defenders of these kinds of activities maintain that they help create group unity. The way they work, though, is to overcome a teenager’s inhibitions with the greater desire to go along with the group. In other words, these exercises teach the teenager to give in to peer pressure. Instead, youth groups need to teach Christian teenagers not to go along with the crowd and to stand up against what their friends want them to do.

ฅ Christianity is stupid. Status-conscious teenagers know that those who are so desperate to be liked that they will do anything to curry favor are impossible to respect. Young people may come to off-the-wall youth group meetings, but when they grow up, they will likely associate the church with other immature, juvenile phases of their lives, and Christianity will be something they will grow out of.

Teenagers get enough entertainment, psychology, and hedonism from their culture. They don’t need it from their church. What they need—and often yearn for—is God’s Word, catechesis, and spiritual formation.

No- now I am shocked. The two teenage rape victims are getting a reality show. And you gotta read the comments by their publicist. Am I asleep and dreaming? This is all way too weird.

In my talk on suicide assessment, I started out talking about the tendency of Christian ministries to invest themselves with a sense of importance by saying that anyone who does what we want- join our group, walk the aisle, submit to our rules, cry with the counselor, etc- is in a position to have all their problems solved. This is a fundamental misunderstanding of the gospel. Any church or ministry points to the Gospel and tries to practice its implications: Gracious restoration of a right relationship with God and practical service to the real needs of people. But while God can do anything and sometimes does the amazing, most of the time being right with God doesn’t mean that all our problems are solved. This means that some problems- like mental illness and disease- have brought out the worst in churches. We assume we have the answers to everything and we are puzzled when the new convert is still mentally ill. Our flawed framework says that once a person has done what we say Christians do, then everything should be good.

A really interesting take on the Prayer of Jabez- comparing it the Neitzche.

Most of the time I am fairly unshockable when it comes to modern culture, but I have to say this story about an “Opie and Anthony” stunt involving a couple having sex in St.Patrick’s Cathedral in plain view of worshippers is about as disgusting as anything I have ever heard. The first thought I have is why not do this in a mosque or a synagogue or a temple? Anybody want to go to O & A’s and do a little something in their living room that they might remember? This kind of stunt isn’t just risque- it’s blasphemy for laughs. It’s right up there with urinating on the host during mass. And this wasn’t even for a protest. It was a contest. Of course, O & A just signed a 30 million dollar contract to keep this sort of thing going.

Ronald: But, don’t you agree that the best player should make the most money, even if the dumb (put in the stupidest team here) just paid some worthless piece of dog doo $100,000,000.00 for the next 5 years? They lost me with the last strike.

Mike: I was not too fond of LaHaye’s heaven (the harp lessons were a real b#$ch) and asked to come back to a world with no Left Behind books. I only got half of what I wished, obviously, as the next movie comes out around Halloween.

An interesting discussion, and both of you make excellent points. RonH especially makes points that, at one time, I felt quite confident were true and unchallengeable. Especially as a younger minister, I was convinced that the professional ministry was hopelessly removed from real life.

Today I would agree to this extent: Many people construct the entire Christian life as an exercise in phoniness and false spirituality. Ministers are certainly the prime practitioners of that snake oil show, and I condemn it and urge everyone who professes Christ to cut the crap, and live like the Gospel is true.

On the other hand, As a minister for 30 years, I have to say that any imagined difference between myself and other persons is minor. I am a sinner. I am lazy. I have fears, sins, doubts and struggles. I live under constant assault by the world, the flesh and the devil. If anything, my temptations contain more of a temptation to self deception than other persons. I am just as corrupt, just as screwed up, just as much a liar (if not more so) and just as much a failure as anyone else. The title minister has done nothing to remove me from the real world. My marriage and parenting is just as hard if not harder. The pressure to do the right thing is greater than on most people. I am not allowed the casual sins of others and my life (and the life of my family) is under constant strain and scrutiny. I have never heard a sermon or read an admonition to real Christian living that I felt was easier for me to read or hear because I was a minister.

(Thank you THOMAS MERTON for making the above paragraph possible.)

One other point RonH. In the Southern Baptist environment that I grew up in, many missionaries made more money than many pastors. Here in Ky, there are hundreds of pastors kept in poverty who give to support missionaries with a guaranteed income of 30,000 plus all benefits. I know that the SBC missions situation is not typical, but as a pastor in Eastern KY I can assure you that there are few examples of ministerial over compensation to point out around here.

I couldn’t let this go by. I will make you want to pull up roots and go to Moscow Idaho to become a Wilsonite. Seems that the Wilsonites have gotten involved in a public morals row over a topless car wash or something. Gotta read this.

Michael: I feel your pain. And i can’t say I miss it :) I’ll be praying for you!

Hello everyone. This will be my only blog today. The back to school meeting lasted three hours. I wish I was the kind of person who got excited at the beginning of a project. I’m not, so these sort of pep rallies are really hard for me. Tomorrow, I have to do an in-service for the entire faculty and staff on suicide assessment, and I have been working on that all day long. You can imagine what an upper that is. As Chip knows, we had our first suicide in 102 years last November, and it is a real shadow over the start of this year. Of course, I am the guy who gets to talk about it. In addition, we’ve had two deaths. My Uncle Tom- a really wonderful and talented guy- passed yesterday from lung cancer. He was a Christian and had a great life. And a 53 year old friend who worked with Macfarland and me for several years in a youth ministry. He passed in Texas, and we really don’t know why, but he was a sad character. So kind of a somber day for me.

But it will be good to get back to work. I have all my class syllabi ready and my first week’s assignments planned. There is nothing quite as much fun as laying it on a brand new class on day one. I love the feeling of POW-UH.

So pray for me as I make it through the transition of the next few days. In-services tomorrow. Get my classrooms and books and lectures ready too. Sermon prep Saturday. Church Sunday a.m. plus one of my new adult Bible studies begins with “Jesus Among Other Gods.” Then the kids arrive Sunday evening and I am REAL busy REAL fast with homesick kids. Testing and Schedules Monday. (A real bummer for someone who hates standardized tests.) Another adult Bible study starts Monday night with R.C.’s “The Love of God.” Classes and Chapel start Tuesday. My first sermon probably Wednesday. And away we go…

Chris Temple, the moderator of Founder’s Friends, has acute lymphomatic leukemia. Had no idea. Just felt bad and went to get checked out and boom. I tell ya- that sort of stuff shows if you really believe what you say you believe. I am such a coward about physical matters. I am praying for Chris and his family in Pittsburg. (He pastors in Ligonier Pa.)

RonaldC: I have found that Larry Crabb has a lot of things right in this counseling game. His recent books are a revolution within Christian Counseling. Stressing the ministry of the BODY of CHRIST to one another rather than the ministry of professionals. I will try to come up with a web site later.

Jack: You’re right. I didn’t mean to come off sounding like that. It’s just that I’ve been feeling so blah lately.

Mike B: You’re WRONG, Bucko. It’s not “blah blah blah”, it’s “yada, yada, yada”. Where DO you get your information, huh? Late-night cable TV??? You really should check your sources before posting such blatant lies.

Respectfully Submitted…

Jake: I’m pretty certain God won’t require me to forgive you for posting a link to a page that plays Robert Tilton’s voice when you go to it. In fact, I’m pretty certain that when God requires us to account for our sin, we’ll have three options:

1) Grace
2) Law
3) Tilton

I’m pretty sure I read it in the Bible… somewhere in one of those other books… Hezekiah, I think.

BLAH: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blahblahblahblah. Blah, blah blah blah blah blah. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah :-)

I’m reading through and older issue of CT right now and I just spotted an ad for a pair of flip-flops with the word “Jesus” written backwards on one and “Loves You” on the other. It’s so one can walk on the beach spreading the “gospel” without actually having to talk with someone or build relationships.

I think I’ve found a reason to actually watch TBN.