In honor of the ongoing Creation vs. Evolution Debate, I have a message… Jack Chick knows the answers… So here we go with this week’s
Chick Tract Translation for the classic Big Daddy, which was so good, Chick’s only had to revise it 4 times.
Our beloved classic opens in a university lecture, where a teacher asks his students the question I was asked… almost twice in five years… “How many of you believe in evolution?” It’s obvious that our professor friend does because he’s got a picture of King Kong chowing down on a Chiquita behind him. Of course evolution is correct! And of course human evolved from monkeys! And of course they spent their earliest years as Homo Oogaboogaus subsisting on nothing more than bananas and each other’s lice. Could explain why my grandmother’s banana pudding is such a big hit.
Fortunately for teacher, all of his students dance, sing, and pass around flowers as a hippy love fest breaks out over their agreement on the question of evolution. Unfortunately, the orgy comes grinding to a rapid stop as the local fundy stands up and says, “I don’t, you hellbound heathen”. Actually, he just says, “I do sir” when the professor asks if anyone disagrees. OK, we’re already on the skids as far as believability for me. I never had a professor triumph their personal beliefs and then actually offer the class the chance to trash the argument. It didn’t stop me, necessarily… the teacher who thought Transcendental Meditation was a good idea got an earful about demonic possession from me and my buddy – but we weren’t exactly invited. Nope, most professors will simply tell you their opinion and expect you to agree. Yep, it appears that our Fundy friend here didn’t go to a real college. I’m thinkin’ he’s probably somewhere where classical education is set aside for more useful classes for this room full of geniuses… classes like “Walking and Chewing Gum 101” and “How to Chew Food 327”.
Fortunately, Professor I. Barelypassed Highschool responds lovingly and with great concern for his students, by demanding that the Fundy who answered his question leave his classroom immediately, and stay out until they apologize. Just like in real life. Fortunately, right before Professor Genius has an aneurism, he agrees to let the Fundy teach his class a lesson called “Why Science is Wrong and Your Education is Complete Crap”.
Just like in real life.
Fundyboy begins teaching directly out of the Bible… just like in re.. uh… yeah. The Professor re-starts his forehead vessel a-pumpin, declaring that he could have Fundyboy jailed for even mentioning that there is such a book as “the Bible”. Nosiree… can’t have students aware of anything that isn’t taught in the New York Times. Prof demands that Fundyboy only use scientific terms to prove his point. Fortunately for our average tract reader, the “scientific terms” used are just below 4th grade.
Prof continues his rampage by declaring that Carbon-14 dating proves evolution (except that it’s not reliable on dates past 20,000 years or so… Hmmm) and that such respected scientists as Huxley, Darwin, National Geographic, and Time all agree. So Fundyboy starts by asking Prof if there aren’t 6 basic concepts of evolution? Yep, replies the prof, who then proceeds to list the 6 concepts, complete with definitions that any 5th grader would chuckle at. Fortunately, Fundyboy is egged on by his classmates who say encouraging things because they too want to get kicked out of class. Prof, getting a little testy, pulls out a convenient picture of a Neanderthal skullcap (I didn’t even know they were Jewish) and “Lucy”, who Fundyboy quickly identifies as a chimpanzee. Must’ve been the banana that gave it away.
Next, Fundyboy pulls out the famous chart o’ human evolution, complete with captions under each item detailing how wrong it is. Starting with Lucy, complete with a banana, the chart works its way up to modern man (sans banana, but with a nice set of glasses), complete with witty explanations. The professor responds with posters, and then points out that human fetuses have gills. Fundyboy reveals that they don’t have gills. Prof points out that humans have a vestigal tail. Fundyboy disproves him. Whales’ pelvis. Fundyboy brings up whale sex.
On and on and on…
Fundyboy finally asks his big question: what holds atoms together. The professor shouts out “gluons”. Fundyboy, having not heard about the proof of their existence found in 1979, shouts “Gluons don’t exist! You can’t see, hear, taste, smell, or feel them!” Now, our esteemed professor, instead of pointing out that you can’t sensually (blatant attempt to drive up bandwidth to this place) detect God, instead chooses to whimper as Fundyboy explains that atoms are held together by the sheer will of God. Yes indeed – at this moment, God is fully concentrating on keeping the atoms of the universe together, which explains why He hasn’t gotten around to answering my prayer for winning the lottery yet.
Prof decides he just can’t take this anymore. If Fundyboy says that atoms are held together by God’s will and God would NEVER use created things like gluons to hold together other created things, then dang it, he must be right. Time to quit yer day job and head off into the sunset as Fundyboy turns your former hippy love-fest into the newest Independent Baptist Bible Class of the Southwestern School for the Stupid.