The time has come… The illness has gotten to my head… It’s… it’s…

The Chick Tract Translation
This week’s feast of loveliness from JTC is an out-of-print goody from my Fundy/Charismatic days that I found digging through some old desk drawers that hadn’t been opened in years. It’s called “Wounded Children”, and after scouring the net, I can’t find it anywhere. Jack’s own website doesn’t list it, and the only references to it are either at collectors’ lists or in anti-Christian websites that think that Jack Chick represents all Christians.

Guess they’re going to have to figure out the Episcopalian thing later…

Our story opens with POD. No, not the Rastafarian rock band… Pissed Off Dad. Dad’s told his little brat of an offspring, David, at least a hundred times to stay out of his forbidden office of marvelous mystery. Immediately after, Dad heads out to grill up some steaks. Off in the distance, Ms. POD is talking to her friend about how she found porno in POD’s office and how she’s just sick about it. Of course, since Dad’s focused on grilling, and Mom’s focused on whining about her husband’s copy of “Juggs”, it’s a prime opportunity for David to receive a visit from a close, personal aquaintance.

Satan.

Ol’ Goatlegs hauls David’s TV-bloated head into Dad’s office to show him what’s behind the blurs on “Jerry Springer”. David pilfers through the cabinets looking for better and better porn, and ends up with an expression on his face that tells us all that he’s found his copy of Dad’s “Ugly Naked Chicks”, which, if I recall from my less than Christlike years, would include every single woman working in porn. Fortunately, Satan’s a quick study, and helps David shove dad’s funbooks back into the desk. Later that night, Satan keeps David awake by incessantly talking about porn, which is a lot like a kid I knew in high school. Then he got shoved into a locker. By a teacher. With the school board looking on in approval.

Whoops. Satan must’ve whispered that to me…

A few years later, David’s dragged little girls in the neighborhood into his young perversions, and they aren’t overly thrilled by it. They tell David to go away and never talk to them again. Fortunately, Satan has a few words of comfort for Dave. Ol Hornhead informs him that he, David, is in fact, female, which is why little girls don’t like him. It’s why his sister hates him. Well, that, and he keeps playing with her Barbies. David’s dad calls him a big sissy, so we know he’s on the way to gayness even as we speak. Fortunately, Jack Chick takes the time to tell us that not all gay people are sissies. Some of them are leather-clad guys that’ll kick your butt before they grab it.

Thanks for the warning, Jack.

Dave’s parents haul his gay butt to a psychiatrist, who tells them that nothing can be done for their sissyboy. Dad blames mom for being a girl around Dave. Mom blames Dad for not being enough of a man around Dave. It bothers Dave a lot, and so he tries to date girls, and the girls love him now because he understands them so completely. So THAT’S why all the other guys in my high school got dates and I couldn’t. It wasn’t my geekiness or my aggressive mixture of heavy metal and charismatic fundamentalism. It was that they were all gay. All 600 of them.

I feel so much better.

Unfortunately, Dave doesn’t, and heads off to Gay Land, where everything is color-coordinated and just FABULOUS. Fortunately, Dave knows exactly where to go, because the gay baths and bars all have signs on them that say “Gay Baths” and “Gay Bars”. That’s good, cuz I saw what happened to straight guys who went into unlabeled gay bars in “Police Academy” and “Police Academy 2”. And 3. And 4. That’s bad stuff. Labeling gay bars should be a federal law, like labeling cholesterol – so that we can prevent another foxtrot in the Blue Oyster.

Yep, gay bars a-plenty, complete with gay men that have herpes and “cancer”, known today as AIDS. Yessireebobarooney… even in 1983, Jack Chick was aware of the marketing aspects of AIDS in Fundy Tracts. So Dave hooks up with Ares from “Xena: Warrior Princess”, and they have a fling, until 9 months later when Dave delivers his first chil… oh, wait. I lost my place. Dave’s just upset that Ares, aka Brian, is off playing “I’m a huge gay perv that likes to screw around with other men” with a bunch of other men. Fortunately, Satan is there to comfort David by telling him that he should commit suicide.

Oh, that Satan. What a card.

Unfortunately for Ares, a bunch of rednecks decide that Gay Land has just a little bit too much fuschia and puce and it’s time to grab their Louisville sluggers to teach some of the sissyboys how to play baseball. They’re not good teachers, though, beacuse they decide to use Ares’ head as the ball. Dave is understandably distraught, but fortunately Satan is there to offer his comforting, horned head on David’s shoulder. Unfortuntely for ol’ Pitchfork-holding-guy, Dave runs into Keith Green in a gay bar, who tells Dave that he, too used to be as queer as a football bat.

Strange. I don’t remember THAT in Keith’s biography. And didn’t Keith die in 1982? Isn’t this 1983? Uh…

Keith tells Dave all about Jesus and how gayness is wrong. Surrounded by a bunch of other gay men, Dave decides that he doesn’t want to get that sweet, sweet manlove if it means an eternity of fire and guys in red suits poking you. Dave converts and joins the Independent Baptists. As a bonus, Dave and Keith Green run over to Dave’s manlover Kenny’s house, and they get him to join the Independent Baptists.

As long as it’s not the Episcopalians, I guess…