Who is the man that’ll help his brother man? It’s….

The Chick Tract Translator
That’s right, gentle souls… today, we turn aside from faith healers, goofy televangelists, and militant vegetarians, and we return to the wondrous world of the Chickiverse. Today’s heaping helping of pre-Thanksgiving love is the 1994 Billboard of Goodness, “Trust Me”. I know that, by this point, you all must be thinking to yourself, “Jack Chick certainly can’t have more good ideas than he’s already published.” Oh, how wrong you are. Jack Chick has a total of 2 good ideas, and they’ve already published them. The rest he’s already published is poop.

“Trust Me” is a cautionary tale that opens with some mystery kid who we’ll call “Democratic Presidential Candidate Howard Dean”. Democratic Presidential Candidate Howard Dean is walking down the road through the safe streets provided by the Clinton administration, complete with people shooting holes in fences and hanging their babies upside down out of windows. In a related note, Michael Jackson is now suing Jack Chick for copying his actions from 2002 back in 1994. Details as they become available.

So Democratic Presidential Candidate Howard Dean sneaks behind a fence and encounters the Addams family. Fester offers Democratic Presidential Candidate Howard Dean a pill – which, of course, is how all drug addictions start – and, being the intelligent doctor that he is, Democratic Presidential Candidate Howard Dean tosses it down his throat. Over the next 7 months, Democratic Presidential Candidate Howard Dean sees planets and stars that don’t exist, probably explaining most of his stances. Uncle Fester, though, is quick on the ball. He provides Howie with more pills, but tells him that it’s gonna cost him next time, and that he should go out and steal.

So, Democratic Presidential Candidate Howard Dean is seen toting a TV out a window down to the local pawn shop. As a reward, Uncle Fester provides Howie with a needle. Ooooooo…. just what Democratic Presidential Candidate Howard Dean always wanted. So, on we go until finally Democratic Presidential Candidate Howard Dean is selling dope to hippies in parks and back alleys. Eventually, he decides to make a deal with the dude from “Raising Arizona”... you know the one… Biker Guy… blows up bunnies with hand grenades… Well, turns out that he’s a cop.

So now, Democratic Presidential Candidate Howard Dean is in trouble. He’s carted off to court, where the jury gives him the big “Thumbs Down”, which is a little odd. Most juries I’ve seen write down their answers on a piece of paper and hand it to the judge. They don’t actually look the criminal in the eye and give him the thumbs down, or any other appendage in any other direction. But nope, the judge joins them in the big thumbs down, and off Democratic Presidential Candidate Howard Dean heads to prison, where Rollo, doing 3-5 years for tax evasion, takes Howie off for some good old-fashioned prison lovin’.

Now, I gotta say… I have read many a Chick Tract, but this is the first one, I believe this is the first one that directly addresses prison rape – always an appropriate subject for tracts. Anywho, Democratic Presidential Candidate Howard Dean’s encounter with Rollo gives him a raving case of AIDS, which leads to the perfect opportunity for the Independent Baptist Prison Minister to palm off a Chick Tract…. you know… instead of talking to the guy…. Sure enough, dying of AIDS has Democratic Presidential Candidate Howard Dean scared enough to convert and join the Independent Baptists, before he dies 2 days later.

So, boys and girls… what did we learn from this Chick Tract? I don’t know about you, but I learned that Democratic Presidential Candidates sneaking through dangerous neighborhoods and ducking behind fences to find the Addams family and popping pills and then stealing stuff to pay for them and dealing drugs will eventually get you sent to prison where you can get loved, saved, and infected, all before you die in your cell. But then, maybe I missed something…