Elizabeth and I are raising two children. Our daughter is 18, a university fresher. Our son is 10 and in the 5th grade.

We are raising them without rules. By this I mean that we have never seen fit to codify a set of laws for our family or for the behaviour of our children. We have no written code. Not even a set bed-time. But don’t get the idea that we have a lawless, cahotic household. Nothing could be further from the truth. We don’t have rules but we do have expectations.

Expectations differ from rules in that they are unpublished and, largely, unspoken. I don’t imagine that our children ever say to their friends “I’m not allowed to do _______.”. But they do know, most of the time, what behaviours would disappoint us, would make us sad or even angry. They know what we expect of them. How do they know? Mostly by example. It is our parental responsibility to model right and wise behaviour. It is their responsibility, helped along by us, to imitate. So for example we seek to model the virtue of love for others by the way we help people in need, by having our home open, by making meals when a friend is sick, etc. We expect our children to follow that example in the way they treat people: by being helpful to those in need, sensitive to people’s feelings, tolerant toward those who might be different or odd or all too easily dismissed. To example we add wise precept when issues arise. So if a classmate is in trouble with drugs, say, we might discuss how she is making unwise decisions and what might come of this if she persists. Another way in which we communicate our expectations is by belonging to the church and confessing the Christian faith. Through the ministry of the church  – through her readings and songs and sermons and prayers and people – the children learn about Jesus and His way of love, joy, peace, justice, truth, sacrifice, self-control, grace and mercy. They hear these things as well as our hearty “Amen!” to them all. We also trust that they see these Gospel values lived out in our daily lives. Following Jesus becomes a glad expectation.

There is a place for correction when one or more of the expectations are not followed. Most of the time correction is a matter of simply clarifying expectations. So a child will have to be reminded, sometimes with no more than a glance, to be gracious with the annoying playmate, to share, to pick up toys when asked to, etc.. Words are sufficient for this daily task. At other times, however, words are not enough and punishment is required, usually in cases of willful disobedience and/or disrespect. We only have used corporal punishment when our children were little (up to 5 or 6), and then very rarely. A quick swat on the bottom, with the open hand, was all. Not hard. I hit my children much harder in roughhousing games than I ever did in discipline. If the child knows he is being punished for good reason the slightest tap will do. We have never “grounded” either of our children – never had reason to. For what it’s worth the “Time-out” method has always worked well for our family.

We are not completely “rule-less”. We make ad hoc rules that serve well for a given time or situation. So, for example, if a child has fallen behind in his homework the ad hoc rule might be “no tv tonight” or “no tv this week”.  The whining seldom lasts very long. We also make a few “pre-emptive” rules at our discretion. So, for example, our son is not currently allowed to go on the internet unless he is at school or in our living room. That’s not a corrective rule but simply a prudential choice on our part. One day, I expect, this will cease to be a rule but the underlying expectations will remain.

This style of parenting requires love and trust in both directions. We make it a daily discipline to foster this. They have to know that we love them, that we care for them. So we invest in this. We spend time with them. We listen to them. We respect them as individuals. We are there. We speak to our daughter in university every day.

It’s parenting by feel rather than by rote (to my knowledge we don’t own a single Dobson book!). The goal, of course, is to see the expectations become values and virtues planted deep into our children’s lives. What a joy to see that happening. So far (God be praised!) it has worked for us.