Michael asks (a while ago, alas) Re: this: “Richard: I’m getting some mail asking how “a glance” actually handled difficult disciplines situations once the kids were no longer real small. Did you have any ways of physically ending problems like repeatedly jumping on furniture, for example?”

First of all, I’m amazed that any of my drivel prompts lurkers to write you. Considering all the real quality posts on here every day your Inbox must be a nightmare to manage, man.

I would say that it is a matter of trust and respect between parent and child. The problem with the “rules” approach to parenting is that parents spend the bulk of their time setting rules and then trying, often in vain, to enforce the same. How often one hears a parent complain “I tell them and tell them to behave but they just don’t listen. What more can I do?” Well, for starters, get to know your child. Play with them. Get into their heads and hearts. Establish trust and love and respect – in both directions – as the cornerstone of the parent child relationship. And allow them to get to know you, too. In this way they will get to know your standards and know what’s expected of them.

So now, if my boy is acting out in inappropriate (but benign) ways, by jumping on furniture at grandma’s house, say, I can quickly get his attention by saying his name “Owen” and then give him “the look”, not an angry or a mean look but a look that says “I’m the dad and you’re the child. There’s something wrong right now and we both know what it is. Do what’s expected of you. Thanks, son”. It usually works. Not all the time but about 75% of the time. The other 25% require taking the child aside, talking and, in some instances, other forms of discipline such as “time-outs” (but never Tabasco sauce!).

I should add that part of respecting the child is recognising where they’re at developmentally. A child is a child, not an adult. Children (both boys and girls in my experience) want to jump on the furniture (my kids, 10 and 18, still love to jump from one bed to the other in a hotel room). So, in our house, jumping on the furniture is allowed. There are some expectations, of course. You don’t do it if it disturbs dad’s enjoyment of the Baseball game, or if someone is sitting on the couch at the time, or if we have guests in the same room, or if we’re at someone else’s house. But otherwise we don’t sweat it. And, at the risk of sounding like a bumper-sticker, that would certainly be my word to parents: Don’t sweat the small stuff! Don’t expect your child to be an adult. And above all don’t – DON’T – fear that if you don’t nip it in the bud your child will still be jumping on the couch when he’s 20. By then he’ll be using it for it’s intended purpose (channel surfingl) and you’ll sometimes wish you could see the little tyke jump up and down again. And by 26, if you’ve raised him well, he’ll likely be encouraging his toddler to jump on the couch, too. So relax.

It should go without saying that the earlier you start with this the better. So put away the rulebook and start getting to know your child now. Go.